I think my wagon has got a bum wheel that prevents me from staying on. Ok, we all know that is just an excuse and I could probably sit here all day and give you a million reasons why the past month hasn't gone according to plan. But I'm an adult(most days) and I can own up to the fact that I screwed up. I'm human. I don't know what to do but to start where I left off. I told my self that Thanksgiving would be a breeze and actually it was. My portions were great! I didn't keep snacking on leftovers, and I only had one small slice of pie. And then there were the days that followed the holiday... while I had time off work and was home.
I'm finding that my down time is my Achilles heal. I can do really well when I'm at work and plan my meals and snacks ahead of time, but when I'm home, I am a grazer. I like to pick at stuff ALL. DAY. LONG. It also doesn't help that my hours at work got cut back, again. I have a 4 day weekend every other week. Which also happens to feed my depression. I'm unhappy at work, looking for a new job and I'm having little to no motivation to do the thing I know I need to do. Housework being at the top of that list. Why is it so much easier to talk myself out of something than to talk myself into it? Example of a typical conversation in my head: "I SHOULD get off the couch and do laundry, or take the dog for a walk. But I'm SO comfortable, and I still have clean clothes and he's asleep on the floor so he probably doesn't want to go anyway, plus it's snowy outside..." You get the idea. On top of my self admitted uber laziness lately, I'm not enjoying single life anymore. I was SO excited to get out of my last relationship I could have jumped for joy. Actually I think I did. :) But an old flame has come back in my life recently and wants to rekindle things. I remember why things ended between us. I know that I'm not willing to change the things he wants me to, and I know that he is not the guy I fell in love with back then. I still have a lot of suppressed emotions from that oh-so-awful relationship. He's more of a forget about the past sorta person(typical guy) and I'm not(typical girl.) I just don't know what do right now. I'm super emotional about almost everything in my life right now which makes that raging fire that was my desire to lose weight look like a dim nightlight in the distance. I kind of feel like my life is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it. Food is and has been a comfort for me for years(like a good friend) and so trying to change my self destructive path by taking away that (deadly)coping mechanism and making my relationship with food healthy feels like the straw that is going to break the camels back that is my mental stability. Currently I know that my relationship with food is the one thing in my life I CAN control, and I have little hope of turning my back on my friend. I'm sure I'm not alone in this emotional weight loss boat. But it sure feels like it. My pep is running out and my inner pessimist is reminding me that Christmas is coming and so are the homemade (and terribly unhealthy)treats. I knew this was going to be hard. I keep hearing that quote, "I never said it was going to be easy, I only said it was going to be worth it."
I DO have hope that one day I will be able to write an update on this blog saying that I have reached my goals. That my knees don't hurt, that I bought a dress off the rack at a local department store, that I no longer cry while blogging and that I can say I'm truly happy with ALL of me...
One day...
But until then, I'm NOT giving up. The tears will flow, the emotions will go crazy, the blogs will be written and the weight WILL come off.
SusieQ*
