Blah...

*Sigh* I feel like I keep abandoning my blog every time the going gets tough. Ideally I would use this blog to keep myself focused and on track, but I can't seem to get the motivation back that I had a couple months ago. I had my plan of how I wanted everything to go and with each slip I find myself giving up. I know that that is part of the whole struggle(not giving up when it gets hard or doesn't go according to plan) but the last couple of months I have been feeling so jaded that I haven't even cared. In the back of my mind I hear voices telling me all the reasons to keep going, but the longer I ignore them the quieter they get. I'm so frustrated with myself. But I have learned a couple of things about myself. I am a boredom eater and I am a binge eater. If I am busy all day I have to take time to eat, when I have a day off I don't mean to, but I munch all day. For the longest time I would hear about eating habits of other morbidly obese people like myself and wonder how they let that happen. I would read about them eating whole bag of chips or 5 hamburgers and i would think, OMG no wonder they are fat! I had myself convinced that weight had nothing to do with junk food or fast food. I love food. I love pastas and chicken and rice and vegetables and fruit. I told myself that I simply ate way too much of the good stuff.
Oh how easy it is to lie to yourself and believe it!! 
I'm really ashamed to admit this but looking back on this week I've been working crazy hours(which isn't an excuse but part of an explanation) and have been eating what is convenient and tasted good. So since Saturday I have had 4 breakfast burritos from Betos, 3 roast beef sandwiches, 8 mozzarella sticks, 2 chicken sandwiches, an entire bag of bugles, 2 small bags of Doritos spicy chili, 4 french dip sandwiches, upwards of 200 oz of soda and that is just off the top of my head. So in 5 days I consumed enough to feed a small army or at least a family of 4 for a week. I'm writing this to illustrate how destructive I have been. I know that by seeing it written down somehow makes it worse in my mind. Today is yet another day of telling myself that I need to stop. I need to get back on track and pick up where I left off. Today is yet another day that I make a promise to myself to not binge eat late at night, and not eat the crap food that I mentioned above.
I think today's promise is going to get a revision from past vows.
I will make an honest EFFORT to stop killing myself hurting myself and take each day as it comes.
I hope my next post has something positive to write about.

SusieQ*

New year, new mindset

So this week is the beginning of a new year, a new decade even! I'm excited about life in this coming year. I have a bunch of goals I wan to accomplish that have nothing to do with my weight and others that are strictly weight related. And even though my goals happen to correlate with the "new years resolution" tradition I have to say that I HATE that reasoning. I mean, I find things throughout the year to work on and improve on, this just happens to be a good time to write them down.
I know I have been lying to myself the past month and feel really bad about that. I have been telling myself that I can just eat the Christmas junk that I see all around me and that I'll get back on track later. It's so hard to know you're lying to yourself and then continue with that destructive behavior. I'm feeling pretty down right now though, so maybe I'll write later.

It's easy to be lazy

I think my wagon has got a bum wheel that prevents me from staying on. Ok, we all know that is just an excuse and I could probably sit here all day and give you a million reasons why the past month hasn't gone according to plan. But I'm an adult(most days) and I can own up to the fact that I screwed up. I'm human. I don't know what to do but to start where I left off. I told my self that Thanksgiving would be a breeze and actually it was. My portions were great! I didn't keep snacking on leftovers, and I only had one small slice of pie. And then there were the days that followed the holiday... while I had time off work and was home.
I'm finding that my down time is my Achilles heal. I can do really well when I'm at work and plan my meals and snacks ahead of time, but when I'm home, I am a grazer. I like to pick at stuff ALL. DAY. LONG. It also doesn't help that my hours at work got cut back, again. I have a 4 day weekend every other week. Which also happens to feed my depression. I'm unhappy at work, looking for a new job and I'm having little to no motivation to do the thing I know I need to do. Housework being at the top of that list. Why is it so much easier to talk myself out of something than to talk myself into it? Example of a typical conversation in my head: "I SHOULD get off the couch and do laundry, or take the dog for a walk. But I'm SO comfortable, and I still have clean clothes and he's asleep on the floor so he probably doesn't want to go anyway, plus it's snowy outside..." You get the idea. On top of my self admitted uber laziness lately, I'm not enjoying single life anymore. I was SO excited to get out of my last relationship I could have jumped for joy. Actually I think I did. :) But an old flame has come back in my life recently and wants to rekindle things. I remember why things ended between us. I know that I'm not willing to change the things he wants me to, and I know that he is not the guy I fell in love with back then. I still have a lot of suppressed emotions from that oh-so-awful relationship. He's more of a forget about the past sorta person(typical guy) and I'm not(typical girl.) I just don't know what do right now. I'm super emotional about almost everything in my life right now which makes that raging fire that was my desire to lose weight look like a dim nightlight in the distance. I kind of feel like my life is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it. Food is and has been a comfort for me for years(like a good friend) and so trying to change my self destructive path by taking away that (deadly)coping mechanism and making my relationship with food healthy feels like the straw that is going to break the camels back that is my mental stability. Currently I know that my relationship with food is the one thing in my life I CAN control, and I have little hope of turning my back on my friend. I'm sure I'm not alone in this emotional weight loss boat. But it sure feels like it. My pep is running out and my inner pessimist is reminding me that Christmas is coming and so are the homemade (and terribly unhealthy)treats. I knew this was going to be hard. I keep hearing that quote, "I never said it was going to be easy, I only said it was going to be worth it."
I DO have hope that one day I will be able to write an update on this blog saying that I have reached my goals. That my knees don't hurt, that I bought a dress off the rack at a local department store, that I no longer cry while blogging and that I can say I'm truly happy with ALL of me...
One day...
But until then, I'm NOT giving up. The tears will flow, the emotions will go crazy, the blogs will be written and the weight WILL come off.

SusieQ*

Playing catch up

I'm a terrible blogger, obviously. It's been a couple weeks since my last update so now, I'm gonna play catch up a bit. I've found that slipping up on portion control is SUPER easy. I didn't enter my food log for about 3 days. I had 3 birthday celebrations. And I've had some depressing news. All these things trigger my "emotional eater" personality to go into over drive.
I find that I get too mad at myself when I don't keep myself on track which, unfortunately, means I lean on food even more. It's a catch 22. I get mad because I don't follow my plan and eat too much, so I eat more? What logic is that? Um yea, definitely need to work on that. It's that sort of problem that makes me want to say, "oh well, I give up." But this time is different. Because I know that not succeeding is NOT an option. I fall down but ultimately in the back of my mind is, "You're going to die." When the need to lose weight stops being about 'I'm tired of looking fat' and becomes 'I'm gonna die if I don't lose this weight' I can't afford to fail.
Ok, so back to my update. Halloween was a fun night, movies and popcorn with a good friend. I figured all the goodies into my limits, and was over all really happy with the night. And then you have the rest of that week. My birthday dinner, my dad's birthday dinner, and my mom's birthday dinner were ALL celebrated that week. I made my own dinner, chili. A Fall favorite for my family. It was delicious, and by making it myself I knew exactly what was in it and how much to have. My dad wanted steak, potatoes, and my mom's macaroni shrimp salad(very typical for my dad.) This meal wasn't too bad, until I reached the hard part. Resisting the salad. I LOVE my mom's salad, BUT I also know exactly what is in it. Which means a single serving of this yummy comfort food, means almost all of the calories for the day. I felt like the bowl was staring at me, whispering for me to eat it. I gave in and had a very small amount and then felt crappy. :( But like before I recovered the next day, and came in under my limit. My mom loves Chinese food, ergo, she wants that. I'm supposed to go to dinner with her tonight and have been saving my calories in a way. I know it's going to be a costly night, so I'm preparing myself.
So that stuff is under control. Now for the emotional side of things. I'm a CNA with a home health company. I love my job, but am sick of my company. I'm not getting enough hours and it's taking a hit on my life financially and mentally. I've been looking for a new job with a company that I hear nothing but good things about. Unfortunately all their applications are done online, and on paper it doesn't look like I qualify. Long story short I've been doing CNA work for 4 1/2 years, but have only been certified as a CNA for 2 months. I got shot down for one postion and then another. I felt like crap, and nothing makes me feel better than eating, right? I really did try to avoid eating for no reason. But I did fail a little. I guess this is yet another thing I need to learn. Coping with disappointment without turning to food. So as you can tell, it's been a rough couple of weeks on the food front.
On the bright side. I have been noticing a slight change in my scrubs. My pants were tight, and now they have graduated to snug. I'm really happy with this little milestone. And overall my good days I feel great so as always, that trumps the weight loss thing. :)  
Until next time.
SusieQ

Off the wagon

Ugh, I'm kinda mad at myself today. My birthday was last week and as tradition goes, my friend took me to Olive Garden for dinner. I went into dinner knowing that I could make a good choice, avoid a dozen bread sticks, and drink water. Well, I failed. I got caught up in all the things I love at Olive garden.
I thought I could just eat one bread stick and a little salad and  take my meal home for tomorrow. So when I say I failed... I failed BIG. Before the evening was over I ate 4 bread sticks, a full bowl of salad, a few bites of the mozzarella appetizer that my friend bought, and then ALL of my spaghetti and Italian sausage and of course had my Tiramisu . Oh and I had a strawberry lemonade. I don't know what happened between my "make healthy choices pep talk" and actually eating the meal, but I know that I am definitely not ready to put myself in that position again. I had almost 2,700 calories just in Dinner, bringing my total for the day to 3,240, that's over 1,200 calories MORE than my daily limit! I didn't get sick this time, but I was more angry that I let myself do it again!
So begins tomorrow. Halloween. It's probably a good thing that candy is no a vice for me, else I could have another problem. I know I'm an emotional eater and this annoyance at myself would usually be a good a trigger for a good ole binge. But I'm determined to call it a night, and go to bed.
Tomorrow will be a good day!

SusieQ*

First Review

Ok, so here I am 2 weeks into my new lifestyle. I refuse to call this a diet, because it's not. It's simply making healthy choices and being smart. I'm starting with a 2,000 calorie diet.
After week 1, I felt really great! I had met all my calorie goals the whole week, had cut out anything fried, carbonated, super sugary, and just plain fatty. I loved the way I was feeling and loved the accountability of www.caloriecount.about.com. I like having to be responsible to someone or something else. I've cleaned out my pantry of anything that I didn't REALLY enjoy that was bad for me. I kept a couple things that I love and that in moderation are ok. As I'm learning to count my calories and see where I get most of my calories from and notice how so much of the stuff I ate before was just wasted calories. Now I check the labels 100 times more than before. It's kind of funny because I used to not even care, but now it's like, hey, this might be good for you but a serving is only 1/2 cup NOT 2 cups like I had been eating. Portion control is and probably always will be where I struggle. I LOVE food, and pasta is a weakness. The fact that I also love to cook doesn't help that either. :)
I was so proud of myself I thought I would reward myself with some raspberry sorbet from cold stone, it was totally worth it! It was 300 Calories for more than 1 1/2 cups and lasted me 2 days.
So Week 1 was a success. Week 2 my dad and I went to Vegas for my birthday. I knew that it was going to be really hard to stick to what I had been doing mostly because I couldn't prepare my own food. BUT that didn't give me an excuse to pick bad food. I packed apples, bananas, granola bars, Quaker oat crisps, and lots of water. I figured I could at least have good snacks. I did pretty good on the first and second day, day 2 I slipped a bit and day three I couldn't resist all the yummy food a buffet in Vegas had to offer. But while I was making a trip to the salad bar I was all of a sudden very aware of people around me. I kept wondering if they were looking at me and thinking I was the stereotypical fat person who goes to buffets ALL the time. In all honesty, I can't remember the last time I went to a buffet before this trip to Vegas. So anyway,  I kept wondering if they were watching me, which only made me want to eat more. I ate tons of food, from enchaladas and rice to pizza and pot roast.
After I was done and we were leaving it hit me, that with my first real temptation, I failed. I gave in to those old horrible habits. I was mad at myself. I'm not sure if subconsciously I thought I should be sick from the food or if it was a genuine reaction from my body not having these toxins in it for so long, but, I got sick. I spent the majority of the remainder of the evening in the bathroom. I was so disappointed in myself that I would do that. BUT  I think that I needed to have that experience. My body had gotten used to having fresh food, not cooked in oil, not greasy, over all healthy food and now it was as if I was poisoning my body. And I didn't like the way that I felt afterward. As a result the next day I was very sluggish and tired. I had very little energy and just felt rather crappy(my old norm).
So my lesson learned is that I will have days that I can't necessarily have complete control over, and I WILL slip up. After all I am human. BUT I don't have to dig the hole deeper AND tomorrow is a new day!
I have been back to my new ways for the past 3 days and I'm feeling SO much better! I resisted sweets and baked goods at a work party and felt so good. I realized that ok, yea I CAN eat that brownie that LOOKS so tasty but is probably more like cardboard OR I could have an extra apple and some vanilla yogurt(which I have always loved) and feel wonderful about my decision! Tough choice. I also tried to figured the amount of calories that that little brownie would cost me out of my day, which meant I would have to leave something out of my plan or go over, either way, I didn't think it was worth it. I have turned down pizza, cookies, cakes, brownies, meatloaf, potato salad, and a few other things, things that I didn't think I would have said no to before.
I have yet to get on a scale or measure anything, I think it is way to soon for any of that, but just knowing that I feel better makes the world of difference in my eyes!

Susie Q*

Here we go!

Hello readers?
I'm not sure anyone will read this or even care but I've decided that I need to have an outlet on this new journey I'm embarking on. I want to use this blog to keep track of the changes I'm making and to be completely open in a way that I can't with my everyday blog.
This is the beginning to the "new" me. Let me just start by saying that I have been really big my whole life and I say that not as an excuse, but just to let you know that I'm used to it. And for that reason, (I think anyway) it has been so much harder for me to lose weight. I've been on one fad diet after another from the time I was about 12. giving up on each within a couple of months. And it was easy to quit because unlike most overweight kids, I had a lot of friends, and was rarely teased (I think in part because I stayed active and did everything that they did.)
Some new, developments, have come up in my life concerning my weight and although I've always ignored and/or gotten depressed about my weight I've finally hit that wall that I know I can't go on like this much longer. I see people who are so heavy that they are bed bound and completely dependent on others and I'm TERRIFIED that that will happen to me if I don't make some serious changes. I'm 23 years old, I wear a size 32W,(and sometimes that doesn't even fit) I weigh somewhere near 450lbs, I say "somewhere near" because That's what I weighed the last time I was actually weighed.  I get winded after a flight of stairs and I can't walk very fast without beginning to breath fairly hard. Mind you I do walk and I do work for a living, I'm not a complete couch potato, but my activity is becoming increasing less as I get bigger. I am SO sick of being like this, I feel like "the fat friend" in the lives of all my friends and family. I know that they love me no matter how I look or how much I weigh, but I feel like I'm holding them back whenever we go places or do anything. They seem to wait for me, and I HATE that!!
So, it's fairly simple. My goals are not to lose 400 pounds and be super skinny or look like a model. My goals are less focused on weight and more on taking control and enjoying my life. In no particular order;

1.  I want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel like I've just run a marathon. 
2. I want to be able to buckle my seat belt in my car without using an extender. And that goes for my friends and families cars as well.
3. I want to go to a movie theater and not have to worry about if the arms will raise up so my hips fit.
4. I want to not worry about not getting a aisle seat when I go to the theater. 
5. I want to be able to buy a pair of jeans from a regular store and not one geared toward plus size women.
6. I want to be able to laugh and  chase with my nephew and not feel like I'm going to pass out.
7. I want to out live my parents.
8. I want my mom to stop worrying about me.
9. I want to be able to not worry about my knees giving out.
10. I want sit on a chair without questioning it's weight limit.
11. I want to walk on a deck and not worry about falling through.
12. I want to ride my bike again.
13. I want to stop wondering what negative comments people are thinking when they look at me.
14. I want to date.
15. I want to dance.
16. I want to enjoy life, not feel like it's passing me by while I sit here and be fat.
17. I want to be normal.
18. I want to be average.
19. I want to travel and be able to go places.
20. I want to LIVE!!!

I'm excited and scared to death at failing on this new adventure. I'm being optimistic and telling myself it's not a race and not matter what, change is change. Besides, it can't get much worse! :P
SusieQ*