Blah...

*Sigh* I feel like I keep abandoning my blog every time the going gets tough. Ideally I would use this blog to keep myself focused and on track, but I can't seem to get the motivation back that I had a couple months ago. I had my plan of how I wanted everything to go and with each slip I find myself giving up. I know that that is part of the whole struggle(not giving up when it gets hard or doesn't go according to plan) but the last couple of months I have been feeling so jaded that I haven't even cared. In the back of my mind I hear voices telling me all the reasons to keep going, but the longer I ignore them the quieter they get. I'm so frustrated with myself. But I have learned a couple of things about myself. I am a boredom eater and I am a binge eater. If I am busy all day I have to take time to eat, when I have a day off I don't mean to, but I munch all day. For the longest time I would hear about eating habits of other morbidly obese people like myself and wonder how they let that happen. I would read about them eating whole bag of chips or 5 hamburgers and i would think, OMG no wonder they are fat! I had myself convinced that weight had nothing to do with junk food or fast food. I love food. I love pastas and chicken and rice and vegetables and fruit. I told myself that I simply ate way too much of the good stuff.
Oh how easy it is to lie to yourself and believe it!! 
I'm really ashamed to admit this but looking back on this week I've been working crazy hours(which isn't an excuse but part of an explanation) and have been eating what is convenient and tasted good. So since Saturday I have had 4 breakfast burritos from Betos, 3 roast beef sandwiches, 8 mozzarella sticks, 2 chicken sandwiches, an entire bag of bugles, 2 small bags of Doritos spicy chili, 4 french dip sandwiches, upwards of 200 oz of soda and that is just off the top of my head. So in 5 days I consumed enough to feed a small army or at least a family of 4 for a week. I'm writing this to illustrate how destructive I have been. I know that by seeing it written down somehow makes it worse in my mind. Today is yet another day of telling myself that I need to stop. I need to get back on track and pick up where I left off. Today is yet another day that I make a promise to myself to not binge eat late at night, and not eat the crap food that I mentioned above.
I think today's promise is going to get a revision from past vows.
I will make an honest EFFORT to stop killing myself hurting myself and take each day as it comes.
I hope my next post has something positive to write about.

SusieQ*

New year, new mindset

So this week is the beginning of a new year, a new decade even! I'm excited about life in this coming year. I have a bunch of goals I wan to accomplish that have nothing to do with my weight and others that are strictly weight related. And even though my goals happen to correlate with the "new years resolution" tradition I have to say that I HATE that reasoning. I mean, I find things throughout the year to work on and improve on, this just happens to be a good time to write them down.
I know I have been lying to myself the past month and feel really bad about that. I have been telling myself that I can just eat the Christmas junk that I see all around me and that I'll get back on track later. It's so hard to know you're lying to yourself and then continue with that destructive behavior. I'm feeling pretty down right now though, so maybe I'll write later.